Its Okay Not To Be Okay

So its exactly one month to my wedding anniversary, and four years of trying to conceive have sure left its ugly scars.

Over the years, have been able to find so much strength buried deep within, strength I never knew existed. Even though I had never really been a tough cookie, but somehow I have been able to manage it all calmly and take it in great strides. Have been able to put up a tough face even when battling with all kinds of emotions on the inside. I used to be a softie, a crying baby, and also had my many moments of depression and suicidal thoughts, but what do they say again about what doesn’t kill you making you stronger?

Yes, from the outside I appear like a strong and stable woman, a woman that seem to have it all under control, but I’m still a walk in progress, so there are days I wake up feeling terribly broken and empty, days when I hit rock bottom, and just want to crawl into a hole and cry. Days when I just want to get drunk, smash the mirror, yell out like an angry owl, and scream fuck you to the whole world.

Today sadly happen to be one of those days.

Am stuck with emotions fighting to come to the fore, fear, and 101 things that don’t make sense to me, but which I still endlessly try to grasp. Am engulfed by a series of bizarre things, and I fight to take the pressure and breathlessness off my chest.

I want to understand, be able to explain, solve, and work with a step by step plan to come out of this mess I am in.

The tears are falling freely, already competing with the tsunami, with no attempt from me to hold them back. I have learned to allow myself to cry and be angry, to just give in to that momentary feeling of sadness and helplessness- it doesn’t help to stifle the emotions.

I see my mother-in -law, and am afraid to look deep into her eyes. Am scared for what I would see there. Maybe pain, disappointment, worry or probably a combination of all. I feel ashamed and guilty that ‘have not been able to give her that only thing she needs from me; that it’s absolutely no fault of mine doesn’t make the agony more bearable. She’s been a good mother, running from pillar to post, trying to do her best to get us out of this black hole, but it seems the gods like to make a mockery of the last wish of a good mother.  

Life seems so unfair, and bad things keep happening to good people- and yes, I happen to be one of the few good people. I believe in the fact that everything happens for a reason, but what if that reason is beyond you, and no matter how hard you try, you simply just cant wrap your head around it.

How does one constantly swing between hope and despair? Sadness and happiness. Pain and pleasure. It’s a tough and bumpy road. A road that I try so hard to fight through with tightly clenched fists, and with all the power that I have, but no not today. Today I feel tired, helpless, and exhausted, and I just want to flee from it all, but its okay that I feel this way. I’m only human.

I want to hide from the fear, the anger and the pain. The frustration, the despair, the hopeless waiting, and the sadness of trying to conceive; I want to run from it all.

I write in chaos. My head is in chaos. My heart feels damaged, and I wonder how long am going to keep fighting this. Everything is uncertain and unpredictable, but I guess that’s just what life is, right?

Staying positive is sometimes so difficult with all the troubles around you. I know this will also pass, and that it will certainly be alright, but maybe not today.

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